Ok! Before I tell you my story I really need to rant. You don't mind do you?
Nah I knew you wouldn't! ;) Why is it that when an adult gets raped they
call it rape, but when a child gets raped they call it child molestation? Like
what the hell is that shit? Rape is rape; euthanizing the term for kids doesn't
make it better some how. Maybe the reason is that it's so prevailant in our
society that that's the only way people can justify closing thier eyes to it.
What's really a crime is how the courts deal with rapists. a person can rape
a child and get 6 months in jail. I had a friend who got busted for a couple
of BnE's and got sent up for 2 1/2 years. Don't misunderstand me, what he
did was wrong and he deserved to be punished, but there's something
majorly screwed up in a system that says it's more acceptable to rape a little
kid than to steal some CD's. Like what the fuck? I can't help but wonder
how many kids actually go through this. The victims who come forward are
such a small percentage of those who are actually vitimized the  numbers
must be staggering.

Yeah I know, get on with it. Give me a break would ya? This is the first time
I've shared this with more than my wife, my shrinks and a very dear friend.
Wow! I didn't think it would be this hard. I was 11 years old the first time I
was raped. He was a close, adult, family member. Funny ya know. It was
over 30 years ago and I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was one
of those rare days when I was actually happy. We were alone in the house
and he was being so nice. We were wrestling around and he was tickling me
and I was laughing. Then things changed; he started rubbing my chest and
putting his hand down my pants. God I was scared. I didn't understand what
was happening, but I knew it was wrong. I begged him to please stop, but he
clenched his teeth and growled at me to shut up. I tried to push him off of me,
but he was so much bigger and stronger and he said he'd kill me if I didn't hold
still. I told him I'd tell my mom, but he just laughed and said nobody would
ever believe me and my mom would just send me off to child welfare and I'd
never see my sister again. Leaving my sister unprotected  was the one thing
that terrified me more than what he was doing, so I stopped fighting. That's
when I left myself behind. I could hear him and smell him and feel him on top
of me. I could feel the pain, but somehow I wasn't there. I'm not sure I can
explain it any better than that. After it was over he kissed me and told me that
he loved me. Talk about fucking up a kids concept of love. After that first time
it became a regular thing. He'd rape me every chance he got; usually atleast
2 or 3 times a week. I wanted to tell someone so many times, but something
always happened to stop me. I knew nobody would believe a doped up punk
kid anyway and if they sent me away who would protect my sister from him.
The rapes continued for 7 years, until I was finally able to get away from him.

Rape is a funny thing. It's about the only crime where the victim feels guilty.
It destroys your soul and leaves you empty and self destructive. I don't think
that there's anything in this world that makes you feel dirtier and more worthless.
I didn't care about my body, my life, I was just a toy to be used and abused
until I died.

For years I would break out in rashes at the very mention of his name. The
worst time was when my oldest daughter turned 11. When you're eleven you
think you're all grown up, but when I looked at my daughter she was so
young and innocent, just a baby, and I realized that I was just as young,
just as innocent, I was just a baby too. Since then I've grown alot in my
understanding and acceptance of what happened. I've stopped hating and
fearing him and recently, After his heart attack, I reinitiated contact with
him. I decided that he did what he did because he was a weak and extremely
sick person and nobody should leave this world feeling hated by thier family.
Maybe he didn't deserve forgiveness, but life is just to short for hate and I
deserved some closure.

I'd like to tell you that I'm completely over it, but the truth is I never will be. I
still hurt, I still feel dirty, I still have nightmares, I can still close my eyes and
smell him, but each day it gets a little better, each day I find a new reason to
smile and each day I like myself a little more. I'll probably never heal completely,
But where there's a tomorrow there's hope, there's love and there's laughter and
that's more than I ever dreamed of.